20 years of sleep before we sleep forever..

I was reminded today to say i love yous and goodnights before bed. And to give out a little more hugs then usual, and also thank yous. When someone you know dies, your reality and routine becomes blurry, and questions surface in your mind. I didn't know Cindy to well, but I know my sister as myself, and hearing sobs from someone you love is enough to break your heart into tiny pieces. Tonight things were a little different for me. I took notice of the warmth of a person beside me. I smiled when I heard the sound of my dad snoring from the other room cutting through the silence. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Thinking to much. or maybe i'm living a little more..

As of now

I finally feel everything coming together, all the tiny pieces of my life that were scattered across the floor are being carefully picked up and put into their correct places. Places that promise security and happiness. One could argue that I'm a college drop out that works at a movie theater...but I have so much going for me, its unbelievable. Thats what I'm ultimitly feeling this week/month. and seems promising that i'll be experiencing that hope for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I guess i'll fill my little blog in with the details of my life as of late. I already mentioned the college drop out part, but I didn't mention that I love not having classes to go to. I have time to walk Kenzie and read my book, and work for money. My education isn't at a complete loss, however. I'll be going to cosmotology school for skincare and I'm super excited. I have to wait until April, but I'm pretty sure I can manage :) I redid my room and painted it purple. It's really pretty and I'm most looking forward to setting up my vanity. I've been really into make up, and I like it as a hobby because it is a way to express my creative side every single day. I am really hoping to move out sometime next year, but I figured...why not make this last year in my house a cozy one? Besides, my mom wanted it done anyway.
Work has been okay. I feel like I unsuspectly brought drama to AMC, even though I hardly even talk to anyone, nor talk about people. But I've decided not to care. I haven't done anything wrong. They are hiring 15 new people and I'm pretty upset about it. How about you save the effort and time, and just give me and a couple other people more hours...we've been begging for them for the last 3 months. But I'm really not letting myself get mad, because...its amc. I suppose I'm being a little mean but when the new people come I'm probably just going to keep to myself. I'll introduce myself and all, but unless their is friend potential then I really don't care to be all fake to them. I'll just be honest to myself.
I miss my friends. I don't know what happened. All I know is that I felt like the bad guy for all these months and I finally let it go. I'm not the bad guy with everything. But I want friends. Girls that I can do my nails with and giggle with and go shopping with. Maybe I'll meet some in cosmo school. Maybe not. I don't know why I push people away.
I've been a scardeycat lately. I'm wondering if I just have what my mom has, anxiety, and it's just starting to kick in to high gear now, or maybe I just can't imagine any of my loved ones being scared or hurt. Because I don't have paranoia about myself. It's about me being cut off from people. My nightmares consist of me not being able to get ahold of Justin or my parents. Whenever I work box office, I seriously sit there and imagine a hurrican coming or zombies attacking and me not being able to contact justin. I'll have to be stuck in amc for the rest of my life with a bunch of...you know. I'd probably grab something to use as a weapon and try to fight the zombies and get home. OK sorry...it's getting late and I've been watchign to many movies. But I wonder if I'll be this way with my kids. The annoying mother that goes insane with anxiety if her kid drifts a little to far from her. Oh my god, I'll probably be one of those mothers with the kid leashes. Please, slap me if I ever even look at one of those.
Last of all, my boyfriend brought me on the most wonderful date I could ever dream of going on. And surprised me with a promise ring. It is beautiful and I'll have it till I'm old and I'll still get the same feelings then as I get now when I look at it.

I like writing. I'm going to update this more often.