Achoo

There is 2 feet of snow on the ground-it looks like it's going to be a white Christmas! I just wish this cold would fade away so I could go out and enjoy without..you know....snot all over my face.
I'm reading a new book. When I started it, I didn't even know what it was about. I needed a book to read and the cover looked interesting, because as you all know, I judge a book by its cover, rightfully so. So I snuggled under my to many covers, made sure Xena was near by, and started to read. When I read, the rest of the world seems to blur in the background of the words on the page. I get a break from my thoughts. I just read. So anyway, the book is written with the authors point of view. His name is James, and he has been a drug addict and an alchohalic since he was 10. It's his story in rehab. The book is written in poetic style, it's just like the author was reliving his experience and let his hands write (or type). It kind of reads like this-
I am alone. Cry cry Fury cry.
I have to stay strong. But I need need I need I need it now.
Fuck
Fuck
Cry
I need it.
Blackness.

I obviously made that up because it doesn't do it justice. What I was trying to prove was that this book makes a person relate. My mind becomes his mind. His struggles become my struggles, and his victories become my own.
Every book makes me grow a little, and this one more than most.

Things have been good. My breath shows outside and Christmas is in 4 days. Every year I am closer to whom I ultimitly want to be.

It's a wonderful life.

Checkout lanes and Bars

So I've been meaning to write a blog forever now (forever meaning about a month) but I just never got to it. But here I am, feeling quiet familier with it and experiencing the benefits of letting my mind wander and my fingers type. Every year, there is a couple of weeks in winter when I feel absolutly terrible. My bones feel old and I start to feel that thanksgiving dinner(s) creep up on me and ugh! why is my hair falling that way! My dollar starts to not stretch as far and suddenly in my mind people are looking at me like I'm an ork. It seriously happens every year. If you look back in my old blogs, you see it happening. But there's something about this year...I'm not alone. I don't feel alone, I feel empowered. I have a voice in my ear telling all the bad thoughts in my head to blow away in the winter wind. I have arms to wrap around me convincing me that that stomach bulge is actually just a normal...stomach. And most importantly that I am loved. I've been thinking of this guy in Landmark we saw a couple of weeks ago. His face looked like it was soup that had been stirred and frozen in the wrong place. His eyes were where his cheek should be. He looked just like a normal college student besides that. I swear I caught his eye for a second, not meaning to stare. But he reminded me of a little girl that once went through my line when I worked at shoprite. She was..in the worlds eyes, completely ugly. Her face was burnt and purple and her features all crinkled. I was afraid to look at her...and niave. But when I finally did, she said "HI! thank you for being my check out lady, your nice!" And my life changed. With those not so little words from a not so little girl. She was beautiful. I smiled back at her and no longer saw her burnt face. I saw a girl with a lot of potential, and with tons of beauty. It was the same for this guy in landmark. I bet you his friends don't even notice his deformaty anymore. But what if he hung out with me for a day? He'd here me bitch about how fat and ugly I am. How I have these 2 pimples that are going to make my life end as I know it. I'm sure he wouldn't be my friend for long. I promised Justin I wouldn't call myself ugly anymore. I broke that promise....but I'm trying.

So those 'couple of weeks in winter' where my life seems to spiral and take two steps back, can just be..not existent anymore. Things are different now...life is different now.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow.