Short

Sometimes I find myself wallowing about my lost tan, about how I used to look piling on my dark eye makeup and teasing my long hair until it couldn't get any bigger.. and spraying on 'love spell'. These remorseful feelings haven't been there for a long time, until tonight I got a facebook comment on one of the pictures from way back when saying 'Sarah your sooo pretty!" from a 'cool' girl. After I read that, all the 'Sarah, you looked so pretty with long hair!' 's came back into my head and made me feel ugly. Here I am.. pale, short brown hair with sweatpants and a big sweater on. Would she still say that if she knew what I looked like now? I miss the days where I grabbed a tshirt, combed my hair, then went out and played!!! I think in those days I look beautiful without black makeup and big hair. You can tell I was happy in my skin.

Betta

Nothing really new to report, except that I met two girls that could possibly turn into friends in the near future. Emily was sitting in the back of anatomy class, and I a row ahead of her. Some douchbag was sitting two seats away from her talking to someone about how he'd never date a fat girl. Emily isn't necessarily fat, but she seems to be big boned, and I instantly felt resentment and cringed at how high school could so prominently be carried on to college by some people. When we were told to get into groups for a lab, I paired up with all the oldies. For some reason, I just feel more comfortable with older people...I know that they are there to do their work and they just seem more polite. Actually I feel like I should add that I am not in any way acting as if I am better then people. I am probably the most miserable looking one in my classes-and I really don't mean it. I have been told by many people I sit there and send off a message saying "don't bother me." I remember in Impact I was involved in a girls group, and one of the leaders had to keep me after, telling me that all the girls were scared of me and thought I hated them. This was really hard to hear because I really loved those girls, and I never ever wanted them, or anyone, to be scared of me. I think I am just shy, and have a naturally mean look? That's kinda sad. Anyway. Emily asked if she could join our group. We did blood pressures, and I decided to just shut the voice up in my head that kept saying that I was going to speak something dumb and that I looked gross, and decided to ask her name and what she was majoring in. As fate would have it, she was going for sonography too! She was really sweet and we talked a lot. Then another lab partner, Melissa, chimed in. We talked about how mean the professor is (hey, we gotta start conversation somehow right?) and how we should get together sometime. This is the hard part for me..following through. There are so many people I would love to spend time with and become good friends with, I just don't make an effort. So for now on I will start with smiling in class and not looking so nasty. I just know things will work out. I have an amazing boyfriend and a tremendous hope for wonderful friends in the future.

The study of..Sarah

College is...college. A whole lot of adjectives, not exactly good ones. Boring mostly. Tiring. Waste of time maybe? Yea..waste of time, that's it. I know I should be way more optimistic about it and not be such a whiner, but this is my blog and I am free to express whatever I'm feeling in it. I know I would enjoy college way more if it weren't community. It seems as if GCC has so many students that it just hires teachers off the street. I can carry myself way better then my English teacher, and I know I can speak better than her. Why then is she standing in front of me teaching me communication? I'm sure shes a nice lady and all..but my parents are paying for this education and I expect the college to provide me with one. Maybe that's why the books are so expensive..because we have to teach ourselves through them, they are basically our little teachers. But I just have to get over it like everyone else. I'm no one special. I can't wait until it's over and I'm doing a job I love. I can't imagine it though...knowing how to do sonography on actual patients. I thought I was smart when it came to the human body, but after anatomy class I feel completely stupid. I panic and don't even know what organs are called. How the heck am I going to be able to tell if a baby is healthy, or if someone has a threatening substance that shows up? What if I ruin someones life? I can't even get the answers to the freshman study guide. I suddenly feel like I have to up and leave, hide in some cave. Though there's no where to hide from the concept that no purpose exists. Will I be able to make lives better, make peoples faces light up? Or will I fail at that too.

Let me be..

I really just want to wrap myself in a blanket, sit by a window, and read elisabeth elliot right now. Elisabeth is so beautiful.. such a kind, simple woman. She inspires me, and I want to be like her. Her writing speaks to my heart, and even though I am not a Christian anymore, I still want to have faith like she has. Maybe not in God, but faith in myself, the people around me..the world. I love her story. She was always plain, her hair different from everyone else, a gap in her teeth. She was quiet and had a little desk and window in her room where she did most of her thinking. Didn't really fit in with the crowd. She met a guy, fell in love with him, and married him. He was a missionary and went to share the gospel with some tribe who was dangerous, but against all odds became friends with them. They lived their marraige through letters, but she one day recieved a letter that he had been speered to death and found in a river by the very tribe who befriended him. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow she went through...but she was so strong. A few years later she went to the tribe herself, explained who she was, and shared with them. The whole tribe became Christians because of her, her husbands job finished. Now I don't nessecarly agree with what she believes or what she acts upon, but I still can't believe this petite shy girl changed a whole tribe of people and people throughout the world by her boldness and strength. She fought, and through her insecurities and weaknesses altered a generation. I don't have to be cool to change the world, or even just someones day. I know I probably didn't take this story like most who read her books do (go tell people about the gospel!! God did this!) and I'm not even sure she would be happy with the way I took it, but I do know that she has helped me become who I am today. So the next fall night, I will snuggle up with a book on my lap, motivated by a now almost 90 year old woman.


"We can't do everything, but can we do anything more valuable then invest ourselves in another?"