Achoo

There is 2 feet of snow on the ground-it looks like it's going to be a white Christmas! I just wish this cold would fade away so I could go out and enjoy without..you know....snot all over my face.
I'm reading a new book. When I started it, I didn't even know what it was about. I needed a book to read and the cover looked interesting, because as you all know, I judge a book by its cover, rightfully so. So I snuggled under my to many covers, made sure Xena was near by, and started to read. When I read, the rest of the world seems to blur in the background of the words on the page. I get a break from my thoughts. I just read. So anyway, the book is written with the authors point of view. His name is James, and he has been a drug addict and an alchohalic since he was 10. It's his story in rehab. The book is written in poetic style, it's just like the author was reliving his experience and let his hands write (or type). It kind of reads like this-
I am alone. Cry cry Fury cry.
I have to stay strong. But I need need I need I need it now.
Fuck
Fuck
Cry
I need it.
Blackness.

I obviously made that up because it doesn't do it justice. What I was trying to prove was that this book makes a person relate. My mind becomes his mind. His struggles become my struggles, and his victories become my own.
Every book makes me grow a little, and this one more than most.

Things have been good. My breath shows outside and Christmas is in 4 days. Every year I am closer to whom I ultimitly want to be.

It's a wonderful life.

Checkout lanes and Bars

So I've been meaning to write a blog forever now (forever meaning about a month) but I just never got to it. But here I am, feeling quiet familier with it and experiencing the benefits of letting my mind wander and my fingers type. Every year, there is a couple of weeks in winter when I feel absolutly terrible. My bones feel old and I start to feel that thanksgiving dinner(s) creep up on me and ugh! why is my hair falling that way! My dollar starts to not stretch as far and suddenly in my mind people are looking at me like I'm an ork. It seriously happens every year. If you look back in my old blogs, you see it happening. But there's something about this year...I'm not alone. I don't feel alone, I feel empowered. I have a voice in my ear telling all the bad thoughts in my head to blow away in the winter wind. I have arms to wrap around me convincing me that that stomach bulge is actually just a normal...stomach. And most importantly that I am loved. I've been thinking of this guy in Landmark we saw a couple of weeks ago. His face looked like it was soup that had been stirred and frozen in the wrong place. His eyes were where his cheek should be. He looked just like a normal college student besides that. I swear I caught his eye for a second, not meaning to stare. But he reminded me of a little girl that once went through my line when I worked at shoprite. She was..in the worlds eyes, completely ugly. Her face was burnt and purple and her features all crinkled. I was afraid to look at her...and niave. But when I finally did, she said "HI! thank you for being my check out lady, your nice!" And my life changed. With those not so little words from a not so little girl. She was beautiful. I smiled back at her and no longer saw her burnt face. I saw a girl with a lot of potential, and with tons of beauty. It was the same for this guy in landmark. I bet you his friends don't even notice his deformaty anymore. But what if he hung out with me for a day? He'd here me bitch about how fat and ugly I am. How I have these 2 pimples that are going to make my life end as I know it. I'm sure he wouldn't be my friend for long. I promised Justin I wouldn't call myself ugly anymore. I broke that promise....but I'm trying.

So those 'couple of weeks in winter' where my life seems to spiral and take two steps back, can just be..not existent anymore. Things are different now...life is different now.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow.

20 years of sleep before we sleep forever..

I was reminded today to say i love yous and goodnights before bed. And to give out a little more hugs then usual, and also thank yous. When someone you know dies, your reality and routine becomes blurry, and questions surface in your mind. I didn't know Cindy to well, but I know my sister as myself, and hearing sobs from someone you love is enough to break your heart into tiny pieces. Tonight things were a little different for me. I took notice of the warmth of a person beside me. I smiled when I heard the sound of my dad snoring from the other room cutting through the silence. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Thinking to much. or maybe i'm living a little more..

As of now

I finally feel everything coming together, all the tiny pieces of my life that were scattered across the floor are being carefully picked up and put into their correct places. Places that promise security and happiness. One could argue that I'm a college drop out that works at a movie theater...but I have so much going for me, its unbelievable. Thats what I'm ultimitly feeling this week/month. and seems promising that i'll be experiencing that hope for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I guess i'll fill my little blog in with the details of my life as of late. I already mentioned the college drop out part, but I didn't mention that I love not having classes to go to. I have time to walk Kenzie and read my book, and work for money. My education isn't at a complete loss, however. I'll be going to cosmotology school for skincare and I'm super excited. I have to wait until April, but I'm pretty sure I can manage :) I redid my room and painted it purple. It's really pretty and I'm most looking forward to setting up my vanity. I've been really into make up, and I like it as a hobby because it is a way to express my creative side every single day. I am really hoping to move out sometime next year, but I figured...why not make this last year in my house a cozy one? Besides, my mom wanted it done anyway.
Work has been okay. I feel like I unsuspectly brought drama to AMC, even though I hardly even talk to anyone, nor talk about people. But I've decided not to care. I haven't done anything wrong. They are hiring 15 new people and I'm pretty upset about it. How about you save the effort and time, and just give me and a couple other people more hours...we've been begging for them for the last 3 months. But I'm really not letting myself get mad, because...its amc. I suppose I'm being a little mean but when the new people come I'm probably just going to keep to myself. I'll introduce myself and all, but unless their is friend potential then I really don't care to be all fake to them. I'll just be honest to myself.
I miss my friends. I don't know what happened. All I know is that I felt like the bad guy for all these months and I finally let it go. I'm not the bad guy with everything. But I want friends. Girls that I can do my nails with and giggle with and go shopping with. Maybe I'll meet some in cosmo school. Maybe not. I don't know why I push people away.
I've been a scardeycat lately. I'm wondering if I just have what my mom has, anxiety, and it's just starting to kick in to high gear now, or maybe I just can't imagine any of my loved ones being scared or hurt. Because I don't have paranoia about myself. It's about me being cut off from people. My nightmares consist of me not being able to get ahold of Justin or my parents. Whenever I work box office, I seriously sit there and imagine a hurrican coming or zombies attacking and me not being able to contact justin. I'll have to be stuck in amc for the rest of my life with a bunch of...you know. I'd probably grab something to use as a weapon and try to fight the zombies and get home. OK sorry...it's getting late and I've been watchign to many movies. But I wonder if I'll be this way with my kids. The annoying mother that goes insane with anxiety if her kid drifts a little to far from her. Oh my god, I'll probably be one of those mothers with the kid leashes. Please, slap me if I ever even look at one of those.
Last of all, my boyfriend brought me on the most wonderful date I could ever dream of going on. And surprised me with a promise ring. It is beautiful and I'll have it till I'm old and I'll still get the same feelings then as I get now when I look at it.

I like writing. I'm going to update this more often.

Creativity

Can you guess which is mine?...........

I haven't been inspired to write in this lately. Actually, I wouldn't use the word inspired..because I have been, I just haven't been able to find words to describe the things in which I am inspired by. So I feel like just writing about things that have been happening this month, things I've done and seen.
Went to southstreet with Danielle, Chrissy and Jesse. It was fun, but it sort of made true my feelings of displacement from eachother. I am totally not saying this as a bad thing, or claiming I had nothing to do with it...because I did. Something about this summer has changed us, and that is ok. Maybe it was the ending of high school. We have different directions, different goals, and different scheduals. And the fact that Chrissy is 200 miles away doesnt help. But I still had so much fun, and never want to lose them.
Apple picking was today. This has to be a new tradition because I loved it! I was in a bad mood all morning, and I couldn't help but show it all the way up to when we got to the orchards. It's strange how some days you really do wake up on the wrong side of the bed or something, because I had no reason to be moody. But for me, whenever I have a bad day, just one thing can flip it completely. When I was little and would have a bad day my Dad would be like 'cmon, lets go search for firewood at alcyon park!' or my mom would play a game of cards, make me laugh, and boom, my day was saved. Well Justin does that for me as well. Yucky moods don't last long when I'm around him. Anyway, we are going to make a darn good apple pie.
The doctor called and told me a have a lumbar curvature, which is probably the cause of my increasingly annoying leggers. I have no idea how they fix that, but I don't care. I'm so happy they found something, because I was convinicing myself that I was going crazy. Tomorrow I get that egm..which is when doctors stick needles in your legs (that can't be lotioned..ugh! I can't stand not having lotion on my legs! -weird fact) and measure the amount of nerve things or something. Who knows, but I'm not even scared. I can handle it!
Heres some random things because I am in a random mood.
Writing in a beautiful journal in pencil can be liberating.
One simple, ordinary fall night can change you.
I'm unique and beautiful. And have big eyes.
That just felt good.
I worry that if a god exist, he is out to get me.
Vaniella Chai tea is the bestest drink ever.
Creativity is becoming more prominate.
I am certain about my future.
I think my new favorite animal is a snow leopard.

I'm a new soul in a very strange world

There is really just something about October. It's like I have S.A.D (seasonal somethin somethin disorder) but.. in the summer instead of winter. Suddenly the calander on my computer turns to October 1st and I wake up a little happier, breathing a little easier, and feeling a bit more adventurous. I want to dance. I want to go pick apples. And almost all my hope right now is in carving an amazing pumpkin that everyone will be jealous of! (Reedeming myself from last years pumpkin....but we'll just forget about that) I'm starting to like this season of my life as well.

Short

Sometimes I find myself wallowing about my lost tan, about how I used to look piling on my dark eye makeup and teasing my long hair until it couldn't get any bigger.. and spraying on 'love spell'. These remorseful feelings haven't been there for a long time, until tonight I got a facebook comment on one of the pictures from way back when saying 'Sarah your sooo pretty!" from a 'cool' girl. After I read that, all the 'Sarah, you looked so pretty with long hair!' 's came back into my head and made me feel ugly. Here I am.. pale, short brown hair with sweatpants and a big sweater on. Would she still say that if she knew what I looked like now? I miss the days where I grabbed a tshirt, combed my hair, then went out and played!!! I think in those days I look beautiful without black makeup and big hair. You can tell I was happy in my skin.

Betta

Nothing really new to report, except that I met two girls that could possibly turn into friends in the near future. Emily was sitting in the back of anatomy class, and I a row ahead of her. Some douchbag was sitting two seats away from her talking to someone about how he'd never date a fat girl. Emily isn't necessarily fat, but she seems to be big boned, and I instantly felt resentment and cringed at how high school could so prominently be carried on to college by some people. When we were told to get into groups for a lab, I paired up with all the oldies. For some reason, I just feel more comfortable with older people...I know that they are there to do their work and they just seem more polite. Actually I feel like I should add that I am not in any way acting as if I am better then people. I am probably the most miserable looking one in my classes-and I really don't mean it. I have been told by many people I sit there and send off a message saying "don't bother me." I remember in Impact I was involved in a girls group, and one of the leaders had to keep me after, telling me that all the girls were scared of me and thought I hated them. This was really hard to hear because I really loved those girls, and I never ever wanted them, or anyone, to be scared of me. I think I am just shy, and have a naturally mean look? That's kinda sad. Anyway. Emily asked if she could join our group. We did blood pressures, and I decided to just shut the voice up in my head that kept saying that I was going to speak something dumb and that I looked gross, and decided to ask her name and what she was majoring in. As fate would have it, she was going for sonography too! She was really sweet and we talked a lot. Then another lab partner, Melissa, chimed in. We talked about how mean the professor is (hey, we gotta start conversation somehow right?) and how we should get together sometime. This is the hard part for me..following through. There are so many people I would love to spend time with and become good friends with, I just don't make an effort. So for now on I will start with smiling in class and not looking so nasty. I just know things will work out. I have an amazing boyfriend and a tremendous hope for wonderful friends in the future.

The study of..Sarah

College is...college. A whole lot of adjectives, not exactly good ones. Boring mostly. Tiring. Waste of time maybe? Yea..waste of time, that's it. I know I should be way more optimistic about it and not be such a whiner, but this is my blog and I am free to express whatever I'm feeling in it. I know I would enjoy college way more if it weren't community. It seems as if GCC has so many students that it just hires teachers off the street. I can carry myself way better then my English teacher, and I know I can speak better than her. Why then is she standing in front of me teaching me communication? I'm sure shes a nice lady and all..but my parents are paying for this education and I expect the college to provide me with one. Maybe that's why the books are so expensive..because we have to teach ourselves through them, they are basically our little teachers. But I just have to get over it like everyone else. I'm no one special. I can't wait until it's over and I'm doing a job I love. I can't imagine it though...knowing how to do sonography on actual patients. I thought I was smart when it came to the human body, but after anatomy class I feel completely stupid. I panic and don't even know what organs are called. How the heck am I going to be able to tell if a baby is healthy, or if someone has a threatening substance that shows up? What if I ruin someones life? I can't even get the answers to the freshman study guide. I suddenly feel like I have to up and leave, hide in some cave. Though there's no where to hide from the concept that no purpose exists. Will I be able to make lives better, make peoples faces light up? Or will I fail at that too.

Let me be..

I really just want to wrap myself in a blanket, sit by a window, and read elisabeth elliot right now. Elisabeth is so beautiful.. such a kind, simple woman. She inspires me, and I want to be like her. Her writing speaks to my heart, and even though I am not a Christian anymore, I still want to have faith like she has. Maybe not in God, but faith in myself, the people around me..the world. I love her story. She was always plain, her hair different from everyone else, a gap in her teeth. She was quiet and had a little desk and window in her room where she did most of her thinking. Didn't really fit in with the crowd. She met a guy, fell in love with him, and married him. He was a missionary and went to share the gospel with some tribe who was dangerous, but against all odds became friends with them. They lived their marraige through letters, but she one day recieved a letter that he had been speered to death and found in a river by the very tribe who befriended him. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow she went through...but she was so strong. A few years later she went to the tribe herself, explained who she was, and shared with them. The whole tribe became Christians because of her, her husbands job finished. Now I don't nessecarly agree with what she believes or what she acts upon, but I still can't believe this petite shy girl changed a whole tribe of people and people throughout the world by her boldness and strength. She fought, and through her insecurities and weaknesses altered a generation. I don't have to be cool to change the world, or even just someones day. I know I probably didn't take this story like most who read her books do (go tell people about the gospel!! God did this!) and I'm not even sure she would be happy with the way I took it, but I do know that she has helped me become who I am today. So the next fall night, I will snuggle up with a book on my lap, motivated by a now almost 90 year old woman.


"We can't do everything, but can we do anything more valuable then invest ourselves in another?"

Breath

Everythings falling into place and I feel like I filled my lungs with a big breath of fresh air. School starts in three days and I am ready. I'm more responsible this year and I have confidence in myself that I will do good in my classes. I'm finding that being impressed and proud of myself is just as good of a reason to try to do well as trying to gain other peoples acceptance. So, I will work hard, for myself and my future. The last couple years I just didn't care, I only saw the 'now' of things. I guess this is growing up? Speaking of, the Blink concert was great, as was vacation. I can't imagine it being any more relaxing or fun, and the person I shared it with made everything incredeble. I don't want anyone else by my side, except Justin...and I have never been so sure of anything so much in my life. Things just..fit, and I have felt more complete in these last six months then I have ever felt. My heart still goes topsy turvy when I see him, and I know that wont go away. My heart just seems to be full lately, full of hope, excitment, love. I still cry and get stressed and have my little meltdowns, but they are different then they used to be. There's almost more...substance..to them. Like, I'm not numb. There's someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok, and I believe it. Being broken sometimes is essential to feel happy, and I wouldn't change that. Things are changing, and I'm welcoming it.

She's a dying breed

Sometimes I decide that I'm going to make the most of my life, and today is one of those 'sometime' days. Things that I look back at and regret have made me who I am today, and I believe that who I am today is who I want to be..for the most part, though I am certainly not all put together. Those hours that I thought would never end, the people I was stupid enough not to avoid, and so on.. have been a expression of my life so far. I believe my life so far is good, even though those particular instances didn't seem worthwhile in the moment. If I didn't go through fear that day, I'd be in jail. If I didn't get caught up in that person, I'd probably be still trying to capture peoples attention and living for shit. I am happy with myself right now. I'm never going to be one of those witty, quick response girls that I used to dream of being. My answer to "hey Sarah, whats up?" is usually "I'm great! Thanks!" But whatever! I decided..me, is enough for me. I will sure enough try. So, I have my whole life in front of me, and it's ultimately my choice whether to live it. I know I'm going to screw up a lot, but I will hopefully look back at my life (however long that may be) and be satisfied with it.

Doesn't mean that I can fly

I am truely feeling happy. Things are going wonderfully. But why is it whenever I feel happiness and joy, sickness overcomes me. It's like I'm not meant to be happy. I am as pathetic as ever. How come God haunts me. He doesn't even exist in my heart but he haunts me...I failed at loving God. Everyone could do it, I sat in the back thinking of ways I could shake their stupid superficial worlds while inside I was dying to have what they had...hope. My biggest fear is that I will fail as a mother. I will be one of those moms yelling at their kids all the time. Like the one in Kohls today. She was such a bitch and I wondered if I would be her. I wish there were an intenirary for this life, I really want to know when I will find purpose, if ever. I'm sick of feeling worthless. I don't exist. Oh and I suck at writing.

I know this sounds pitiful. And contemptful. It's just what I'm feeling at this moment and I promised I would stop lying to myself.

Now I see

The blinders are coming off my eyes. I was never second best, they were never prettier or cooler or did things better. There was no reason to spend my few teenage years always walking a few inches behind them. Or asking them to do my makeup and hair when I knew I could do it better. I would try to talk like them and wear the same clothes, even though I thought it was ugly. They made jokes about me "she has so much to learn!" when I zipped my sweater up to the top because no...it's only supposed to go three fourths the way, thats the cool way. They used me for themselves to feel supieror.

Now I see though that..

You guys aren't really cool....at all.

Empty Boardwalk

Summers almost gone, and I couldn't be more satisfied with that realization. These last few months have been full of discovery, love, and...plain old summer fun. There were many tears, but way more laughs and smiles to make up for it. I saw the ocean from a ferris wheel for the very first time, with a person I want face many other thrills with while squeezing their hand. I learned what it is to be responsible, and had let go of things that bring me down even if it did hurt a little. But now, the temperature is dropping a bit and the night is coming sooner. Soon when I take walks I'll hear the crunch of leaves instead of crickets, and see people rake instead of mow their lawns. There is just something about autumn..it's almost like a new start to things, hope in a way. I will be going to college, and I feel like this is one step closer to the future I have dreamed up for myself. I can finally act upon my impatience for change. My bond with my parents is strengthening, though at the same time we both know (but rarely mention) that we are slowly letting go of each other, which is bittersweet.

I am so stinkin' excited to put on my woolly hat. And for pumpkin pie and chai tea to be the main component in my diet. And for the word 'crisp' to be significant again , because it is my favorite word in the human language.

crisp.

Rescue

Everytime I'm reaching for something, brushing my teeth...whatever, I look down and see the word 'free' permenatly engraved into my skin, and everytime I feel as if I have drifted farther from that very word that means so much to me. In many ways I am free, and am so thankful for being allowed that privilidge. I am sure many men and women wish everyday for a life lived outside of cells, addiction, or abusive families. I have a comfortable house, a wonderful family and an amazing boyfriend that makes me more happy then he will ever know. It's not that I feel like I am without that kind of liberty. What is absent is the peace of mind towards myself morning after morning. I am in bondage to myself, and I don't know how to fix it. The girl who is struggling and fighting countless battles to free herself of these chains is the very same girl who locked them. Sure, most of the time my mind is occupied on many other things that grab its attention..but that vulnerability is constantly there. That fear of being critisized, judged, or rejected haunts me, and I want that to be gone. I don't know what experience brought on this anxiety in my life, I don't even know if it was one. Freedom from oneself is being able to look in mirror and say "I am beautiful", or laughing at a joke you made, not caring if anyone else thought it was as funny as you did. It's not being sorry for things that were'nt your fault. Sorry is a powerful word, and it is starting to wear my soul thin. Being free is having security and faith that you are not just another useless body who has nothing to offer. Lately, I have had tastes and glimpses of this strength in me, and it has been brought out by other people. I've been able to breath, and understand that...I am good enough, day after day. My hair not in place or my words not as fluent as I wish them to be does not affect my worth. So for now I will continue to look for that key that I have thrown away so many years ago, and unlock a brave, confident girl that has been locked up. The word 'free' will be on my wrist as long as I am living, and hopefully on my heart forever.