Breath

Everythings falling into place and I feel like I filled my lungs with a big breath of fresh air. School starts in three days and I am ready. I'm more responsible this year and I have confidence in myself that I will do good in my classes. I'm finding that being impressed and proud of myself is just as good of a reason to try to do well as trying to gain other peoples acceptance. So, I will work hard, for myself and my future. The last couple years I just didn't care, I only saw the 'now' of things. I guess this is growing up? Speaking of, the Blink concert was great, as was vacation. I can't imagine it being any more relaxing or fun, and the person I shared it with made everything incredeble. I don't want anyone else by my side, except Justin...and I have never been so sure of anything so much in my life. Things just..fit, and I have felt more complete in these last six months then I have ever felt. My heart still goes topsy turvy when I see him, and I know that wont go away. My heart just seems to be full lately, full of hope, excitment, love. I still cry and get stressed and have my little meltdowns, but they are different then they used to be. There's almost more...substance..to them. Like, I'm not numb. There's someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok, and I believe it. Being broken sometimes is essential to feel happy, and I wouldn't change that. Things are changing, and I'm welcoming it.

She's a dying breed

Sometimes I decide that I'm going to make the most of my life, and today is one of those 'sometime' days. Things that I look back at and regret have made me who I am today, and I believe that who I am today is who I want to be..for the most part, though I am certainly not all put together. Those hours that I thought would never end, the people I was stupid enough not to avoid, and so on.. have been a expression of my life so far. I believe my life so far is good, even though those particular instances didn't seem worthwhile in the moment. If I didn't go through fear that day, I'd be in jail. If I didn't get caught up in that person, I'd probably be still trying to capture peoples attention and living for shit. I am happy with myself right now. I'm never going to be one of those witty, quick response girls that I used to dream of being. My answer to "hey Sarah, whats up?" is usually "I'm great! Thanks!" But whatever! I decided..me, is enough for me. I will sure enough try. So, I have my whole life in front of me, and it's ultimately my choice whether to live it. I know I'm going to screw up a lot, but I will hopefully look back at my life (however long that may be) and be satisfied with it.

Doesn't mean that I can fly

I am truely feeling happy. Things are going wonderfully. But why is it whenever I feel happiness and joy, sickness overcomes me. It's like I'm not meant to be happy. I am as pathetic as ever. How come God haunts me. He doesn't even exist in my heart but he haunts me...I failed at loving God. Everyone could do it, I sat in the back thinking of ways I could shake their stupid superficial worlds while inside I was dying to have what they had...hope. My biggest fear is that I will fail as a mother. I will be one of those moms yelling at their kids all the time. Like the one in Kohls today. She was such a bitch and I wondered if I would be her. I wish there were an intenirary for this life, I really want to know when I will find purpose, if ever. I'm sick of feeling worthless. I don't exist. Oh and I suck at writing.

I know this sounds pitiful. And contemptful. It's just what I'm feeling at this moment and I promised I would stop lying to myself.

Now I see

The blinders are coming off my eyes. I was never second best, they were never prettier or cooler or did things better. There was no reason to spend my few teenage years always walking a few inches behind them. Or asking them to do my makeup and hair when I knew I could do it better. I would try to talk like them and wear the same clothes, even though I thought it was ugly. They made jokes about me "she has so much to learn!" when I zipped my sweater up to the top because no...it's only supposed to go three fourths the way, thats the cool way. They used me for themselves to feel supieror.

Now I see though that..

You guys aren't really cool....at all.

Empty Boardwalk

Summers almost gone, and I couldn't be more satisfied with that realization. These last few months have been full of discovery, love, and...plain old summer fun. There were many tears, but way more laughs and smiles to make up for it. I saw the ocean from a ferris wheel for the very first time, with a person I want face many other thrills with while squeezing their hand. I learned what it is to be responsible, and had let go of things that bring me down even if it did hurt a little. But now, the temperature is dropping a bit and the night is coming sooner. Soon when I take walks I'll hear the crunch of leaves instead of crickets, and see people rake instead of mow their lawns. There is just something about autumn..it's almost like a new start to things, hope in a way. I will be going to college, and I feel like this is one step closer to the future I have dreamed up for myself. I can finally act upon my impatience for change. My bond with my parents is strengthening, though at the same time we both know (but rarely mention) that we are slowly letting go of each other, which is bittersweet.

I am so stinkin' excited to put on my woolly hat. And for pumpkin pie and chai tea to be the main component in my diet. And for the word 'crisp' to be significant again , because it is my favorite word in the human language.

crisp.