Rescue

Everytime I'm reaching for something, brushing my teeth...whatever, I look down and see the word 'free' permenatly engraved into my skin, and everytime I feel as if I have drifted farther from that very word that means so much to me. In many ways I am free, and am so thankful for being allowed that privilidge. I am sure many men and women wish everyday for a life lived outside of cells, addiction, or abusive families. I have a comfortable house, a wonderful family and an amazing boyfriend that makes me more happy then he will ever know. It's not that I feel like I am without that kind of liberty. What is absent is the peace of mind towards myself morning after morning. I am in bondage to myself, and I don't know how to fix it. The girl who is struggling and fighting countless battles to free herself of these chains is the very same girl who locked them. Sure, most of the time my mind is occupied on many other things that grab its attention..but that vulnerability is constantly there. That fear of being critisized, judged, or rejected haunts me, and I want that to be gone. I don't know what experience brought on this anxiety in my life, I don't even know if it was one. Freedom from oneself is being able to look in mirror and say "I am beautiful", or laughing at a joke you made, not caring if anyone else thought it was as funny as you did. It's not being sorry for things that were'nt your fault. Sorry is a powerful word, and it is starting to wear my soul thin. Being free is having security and faith that you are not just another useless body who has nothing to offer. Lately, I have had tastes and glimpses of this strength in me, and it has been brought out by other people. I've been able to breath, and understand that...I am good enough, day after day. My hair not in place or my words not as fluent as I wish them to be does not affect my worth. So for now I will continue to look for that key that I have thrown away so many years ago, and unlock a brave, confident girl that has been locked up. The word 'free' will be on my wrist as long as I am living, and hopefully on my heart forever.