Duckies

Oh how my heart is yearning for springtime and warmer weather. Today it reached 50 and I feel like I was brought back from the dead. Suddenly my winter coat seemed revolting, and I threw on a TShirt like it was sunny with a high of 75. Has anyone noticed how refreshing the sound of birds chirping out your window is? Funny how something so simple can change your day. I fed ducks today with Justin. Our favorite duck is named Woody, and he is different from all the other ducks, lookwise and personality wise. He sounds and acts like he has 'disabilities' for a duck. He never flies south for winter, and I swear me and Justin are his best buds. He makes me smile.

Achoo

There is 2 feet of snow on the ground-it looks like it's going to be a white Christmas! I just wish this cold would fade away so I could go out and enjoy without..you know....snot all over my face.
I'm reading a new book. When I started it, I didn't even know what it was about. I needed a book to read and the cover looked interesting, because as you all know, I judge a book by its cover, rightfully so. So I snuggled under my to many covers, made sure Xena was near by, and started to read. When I read, the rest of the world seems to blur in the background of the words on the page. I get a break from my thoughts. I just read. So anyway, the book is written with the authors point of view. His name is James, and he has been a drug addict and an alchohalic since he was 10. It's his story in rehab. The book is written in poetic style, it's just like the author was reliving his experience and let his hands write (or type). It kind of reads like this-
I am alone. Cry cry Fury cry.
I have to stay strong. But I need need I need I need it now.
Fuck
Fuck
Cry
I need it.
Blackness.

I obviously made that up because it doesn't do it justice. What I was trying to prove was that this book makes a person relate. My mind becomes his mind. His struggles become my struggles, and his victories become my own.
Every book makes me grow a little, and this one more than most.

Things have been good. My breath shows outside and Christmas is in 4 days. Every year I am closer to whom I ultimitly want to be.

It's a wonderful life.

Checkout lanes and Bars

So I've been meaning to write a blog forever now (forever meaning about a month) but I just never got to it. But here I am, feeling quiet familier with it and experiencing the benefits of letting my mind wander and my fingers type. Every year, there is a couple of weeks in winter when I feel absolutly terrible. My bones feel old and I start to feel that thanksgiving dinner(s) creep up on me and ugh! why is my hair falling that way! My dollar starts to not stretch as far and suddenly in my mind people are looking at me like I'm an ork. It seriously happens every year. If you look back in my old blogs, you see it happening. But there's something about this year...I'm not alone. I don't feel alone, I feel empowered. I have a voice in my ear telling all the bad thoughts in my head to blow away in the winter wind. I have arms to wrap around me convincing me that that stomach bulge is actually just a normal...stomach. And most importantly that I am loved. I've been thinking of this guy in Landmark we saw a couple of weeks ago. His face looked like it was soup that had been stirred and frozen in the wrong place. His eyes were where his cheek should be. He looked just like a normal college student besides that. I swear I caught his eye for a second, not meaning to stare. But he reminded me of a little girl that once went through my line when I worked at shoprite. She was..in the worlds eyes, completely ugly. Her face was burnt and purple and her features all crinkled. I was afraid to look at her...and niave. But when I finally did, she said "HI! thank you for being my check out lady, your nice!" And my life changed. With those not so little words from a not so little girl. She was beautiful. I smiled back at her and no longer saw her burnt face. I saw a girl with a lot of potential, and with tons of beauty. It was the same for this guy in landmark. I bet you his friends don't even notice his deformaty anymore. But what if he hung out with me for a day? He'd here me bitch about how fat and ugly I am. How I have these 2 pimples that are going to make my life end as I know it. I'm sure he wouldn't be my friend for long. I promised Justin I wouldn't call myself ugly anymore. I broke that promise....but I'm trying.

So those 'couple of weeks in winter' where my life seems to spiral and take two steps back, can just be..not existent anymore. Things are different now...life is different now.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow.

20 years of sleep before we sleep forever..

I was reminded today to say i love yous and goodnights before bed. And to give out a little more hugs then usual, and also thank yous. When someone you know dies, your reality and routine becomes blurry, and questions surface in your mind. I didn't know Cindy to well, but I know my sister as myself, and hearing sobs from someone you love is enough to break your heart into tiny pieces. Tonight things were a little different for me. I took notice of the warmth of a person beside me. I smiled when I heard the sound of my dad snoring from the other room cutting through the silence. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Thinking to much. or maybe i'm living a little more..

As of now

I finally feel everything coming together, all the tiny pieces of my life that were scattered across the floor are being carefully picked up and put into their correct places. Places that promise security and happiness. One could argue that I'm a college drop out that works at a movie theater...but I have so much going for me, its unbelievable. Thats what I'm ultimitly feeling this week/month. and seems promising that i'll be experiencing that hope for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I guess i'll fill my little blog in with the details of my life as of late. I already mentioned the college drop out part, but I didn't mention that I love not having classes to go to. I have time to walk Kenzie and read my book, and work for money. My education isn't at a complete loss, however. I'll be going to cosmotology school for skincare and I'm super excited. I have to wait until April, but I'm pretty sure I can manage :) I redid my room and painted it purple. It's really pretty and I'm most looking forward to setting up my vanity. I've been really into make up, and I like it as a hobby because it is a way to express my creative side every single day. I am really hoping to move out sometime next year, but I figured...why not make this last year in my house a cozy one? Besides, my mom wanted it done anyway.
Work has been okay. I feel like I unsuspectly brought drama to AMC, even though I hardly even talk to anyone, nor talk about people. But I've decided not to care. I haven't done anything wrong. They are hiring 15 new people and I'm pretty upset about it. How about you save the effort and time, and just give me and a couple other people more hours...we've been begging for them for the last 3 months. But I'm really not letting myself get mad, because...its amc. I suppose I'm being a little mean but when the new people come I'm probably just going to keep to myself. I'll introduce myself and all, but unless their is friend potential then I really don't care to be all fake to them. I'll just be honest to myself.
I miss my friends. I don't know what happened. All I know is that I felt like the bad guy for all these months and I finally let it go. I'm not the bad guy with everything. But I want friends. Girls that I can do my nails with and giggle with and go shopping with. Maybe I'll meet some in cosmo school. Maybe not. I don't know why I push people away.
I've been a scardeycat lately. I'm wondering if I just have what my mom has, anxiety, and it's just starting to kick in to high gear now, or maybe I just can't imagine any of my loved ones being scared or hurt. Because I don't have paranoia about myself. It's about me being cut off from people. My nightmares consist of me not being able to get ahold of Justin or my parents. Whenever I work box office, I seriously sit there and imagine a hurrican coming or zombies attacking and me not being able to contact justin. I'll have to be stuck in amc for the rest of my life with a bunch of...you know. I'd probably grab something to use as a weapon and try to fight the zombies and get home. OK sorry...it's getting late and I've been watchign to many movies. But I wonder if I'll be this way with my kids. The annoying mother that goes insane with anxiety if her kid drifts a little to far from her. Oh my god, I'll probably be one of those mothers with the kid leashes. Please, slap me if I ever even look at one of those.
Last of all, my boyfriend brought me on the most wonderful date I could ever dream of going on. And surprised me with a promise ring. It is beautiful and I'll have it till I'm old and I'll still get the same feelings then as I get now when I look at it.

I like writing. I'm going to update this more often.

Creativity

Can you guess which is mine?...........

I haven't been inspired to write in this lately. Actually, I wouldn't use the word inspired..because I have been, I just haven't been able to find words to describe the things in which I am inspired by. So I feel like just writing about things that have been happening this month, things I've done and seen.
Went to southstreet with Danielle, Chrissy and Jesse. It was fun, but it sort of made true my feelings of displacement from eachother. I am totally not saying this as a bad thing, or claiming I had nothing to do with it...because I did. Something about this summer has changed us, and that is ok. Maybe it was the ending of high school. We have different directions, different goals, and different scheduals. And the fact that Chrissy is 200 miles away doesnt help. But I still had so much fun, and never want to lose them.
Apple picking was today. This has to be a new tradition because I loved it! I was in a bad mood all morning, and I couldn't help but show it all the way up to when we got to the orchards. It's strange how some days you really do wake up on the wrong side of the bed or something, because I had no reason to be moody. But for me, whenever I have a bad day, just one thing can flip it completely. When I was little and would have a bad day my Dad would be like 'cmon, lets go search for firewood at alcyon park!' or my mom would play a game of cards, make me laugh, and boom, my day was saved. Well Justin does that for me as well. Yucky moods don't last long when I'm around him. Anyway, we are going to make a darn good apple pie.
The doctor called and told me a have a lumbar curvature, which is probably the cause of my increasingly annoying leggers. I have no idea how they fix that, but I don't care. I'm so happy they found something, because I was convinicing myself that I was going crazy. Tomorrow I get that egm..which is when doctors stick needles in your legs (that can't be lotioned..ugh! I can't stand not having lotion on my legs! -weird fact) and measure the amount of nerve things or something. Who knows, but I'm not even scared. I can handle it!
Heres some random things because I am in a random mood.
Writing in a beautiful journal in pencil can be liberating.
One simple, ordinary fall night can change you.
I'm unique and beautiful. And have big eyes.
That just felt good.
I worry that if a god exist, he is out to get me.
Vaniella Chai tea is the bestest drink ever.
Creativity is becoming more prominate.
I am certain about my future.
I think my new favorite animal is a snow leopard.

I'm a new soul in a very strange world

There is really just something about October. It's like I have S.A.D (seasonal somethin somethin disorder) but.. in the summer instead of winter. Suddenly the calander on my computer turns to October 1st and I wake up a little happier, breathing a little easier, and feeling a bit more adventurous. I want to dance. I want to go pick apples. And almost all my hope right now is in carving an amazing pumpkin that everyone will be jealous of! (Reedeming myself from last years pumpkin....but we'll just forget about that) I'm starting to like this season of my life as well.