Doesn't mean that I can fly

I am truely feeling happy. Things are going wonderfully. But why is it whenever I feel happiness and joy, sickness overcomes me. It's like I'm not meant to be happy. I am as pathetic as ever. How come God haunts me. He doesn't even exist in my heart but he haunts me...I failed at loving God. Everyone could do it, I sat in the back thinking of ways I could shake their stupid superficial worlds while inside I was dying to have what they had...hope. My biggest fear is that I will fail as a mother. I will be one of those moms yelling at their kids all the time. Like the one in Kohls today. She was such a bitch and I wondered if I would be her. I wish there were an intenirary for this life, I really want to know when I will find purpose, if ever. I'm sick of feeling worthless. I don't exist. Oh and I suck at writing.

I know this sounds pitiful. And contemptful. It's just what I'm feeling at this moment and I promised I would stop lying to myself.