The study of..Sarah

College is...college. A whole lot of adjectives, not exactly good ones. Boring mostly. Tiring. Waste of time maybe? Yea..waste of time, that's it. I know I should be way more optimistic about it and not be such a whiner, but this is my blog and I am free to express whatever I'm feeling in it. I know I would enjoy college way more if it weren't community. It seems as if GCC has so many students that it just hires teachers off the street. I can carry myself way better then my English teacher, and I know I can speak better than her. Why then is she standing in front of me teaching me communication? I'm sure shes a nice lady and all..but my parents are paying for this education and I expect the college to provide me with one. Maybe that's why the books are so expensive..because we have to teach ourselves through them, they are basically our little teachers. But I just have to get over it like everyone else. I'm no one special. I can't wait until it's over and I'm doing a job I love. I can't imagine it though...knowing how to do sonography on actual patients. I thought I was smart when it came to the human body, but after anatomy class I feel completely stupid. I panic and don't even know what organs are called. How the heck am I going to be able to tell if a baby is healthy, or if someone has a threatening substance that shows up? What if I ruin someones life? I can't even get the answers to the freshman study guide. I suddenly feel like I have to up and leave, hide in some cave. Though there's no where to hide from the concept that no purpose exists. Will I be able to make lives better, make peoples faces light up? Or will I fail at that too.

Let me be..

I really just want to wrap myself in a blanket, sit by a window, and read elisabeth elliot right now. Elisabeth is so beautiful.. such a kind, simple woman. She inspires me, and I want to be like her. Her writing speaks to my heart, and even though I am not a Christian anymore, I still want to have faith like she has. Maybe not in God, but faith in myself, the people around me..the world. I love her story. She was always plain, her hair different from everyone else, a gap in her teeth. She was quiet and had a little desk and window in her room where she did most of her thinking. Didn't really fit in with the crowd. She met a guy, fell in love with him, and married him. He was a missionary and went to share the gospel with some tribe who was dangerous, but against all odds became friends with them. They lived their marraige through letters, but she one day recieved a letter that he had been speered to death and found in a river by the very tribe who befriended him. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow she went through...but she was so strong. A few years later she went to the tribe herself, explained who she was, and shared with them. The whole tribe became Christians because of her, her husbands job finished. Now I don't nessecarly agree with what she believes or what she acts upon, but I still can't believe this petite shy girl changed a whole tribe of people and people throughout the world by her boldness and strength. She fought, and through her insecurities and weaknesses altered a generation. I don't have to be cool to change the world, or even just someones day. I know I probably didn't take this story like most who read her books do (go tell people about the gospel!! God did this!) and I'm not even sure she would be happy with the way I took it, but I do know that she has helped me become who I am today. So the next fall night, I will snuggle up with a book on my lap, motivated by a now almost 90 year old woman.


"We can't do everything, but can we do anything more valuable then invest ourselves in another?"

Breath

Everythings falling into place and I feel like I filled my lungs with a big breath of fresh air. School starts in three days and I am ready. I'm more responsible this year and I have confidence in myself that I will do good in my classes. I'm finding that being impressed and proud of myself is just as good of a reason to try to do well as trying to gain other peoples acceptance. So, I will work hard, for myself and my future. The last couple years I just didn't care, I only saw the 'now' of things. I guess this is growing up? Speaking of, the Blink concert was great, as was vacation. I can't imagine it being any more relaxing or fun, and the person I shared it with made everything incredeble. I don't want anyone else by my side, except Justin...and I have never been so sure of anything so much in my life. Things just..fit, and I have felt more complete in these last six months then I have ever felt. My heart still goes topsy turvy when I see him, and I know that wont go away. My heart just seems to be full lately, full of hope, excitment, love. I still cry and get stressed and have my little meltdowns, but they are different then they used to be. There's almost more...substance..to them. Like, I'm not numb. There's someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok, and I believe it. Being broken sometimes is essential to feel happy, and I wouldn't change that. Things are changing, and I'm welcoming it.

She's a dying breed

Sometimes I decide that I'm going to make the most of my life, and today is one of those 'sometime' days. Things that I look back at and regret have made me who I am today, and I believe that who I am today is who I want to be..for the most part, though I am certainly not all put together. Those hours that I thought would never end, the people I was stupid enough not to avoid, and so on.. have been a expression of my life so far. I believe my life so far is good, even though those particular instances didn't seem worthwhile in the moment. If I didn't go through fear that day, I'd be in jail. If I didn't get caught up in that person, I'd probably be still trying to capture peoples attention and living for shit. I am happy with myself right now. I'm never going to be one of those witty, quick response girls that I used to dream of being. My answer to "hey Sarah, whats up?" is usually "I'm great! Thanks!" But whatever! I decided..me, is enough for me. I will sure enough try. So, I have my whole life in front of me, and it's ultimately my choice whether to live it. I know I'm going to screw up a lot, but I will hopefully look back at my life (however long that may be) and be satisfied with it.

Doesn't mean that I can fly

I am truely feeling happy. Things are going wonderfully. But why is it whenever I feel happiness and joy, sickness overcomes me. It's like I'm not meant to be happy. I am as pathetic as ever. How come God haunts me. He doesn't even exist in my heart but he haunts me...I failed at loving God. Everyone could do it, I sat in the back thinking of ways I could shake their stupid superficial worlds while inside I was dying to have what they had...hope. My biggest fear is that I will fail as a mother. I will be one of those moms yelling at their kids all the time. Like the one in Kohls today. She was such a bitch and I wondered if I would be her. I wish there were an intenirary for this life, I really want to know when I will find purpose, if ever. I'm sick of feeling worthless. I don't exist. Oh and I suck at writing.

I know this sounds pitiful. And contemptful. It's just what I'm feeling at this moment and I promised I would stop lying to myself.

Now I see

The blinders are coming off my eyes. I was never second best, they were never prettier or cooler or did things better. There was no reason to spend my few teenage years always walking a few inches behind them. Or asking them to do my makeup and hair when I knew I could do it better. I would try to talk like them and wear the same clothes, even though I thought it was ugly. They made jokes about me "she has so much to learn!" when I zipped my sweater up to the top because no...it's only supposed to go three fourths the way, thats the cool way. They used me for themselves to feel supieror.

Now I see though that..

You guys aren't really cool....at all.

Empty Boardwalk

Summers almost gone, and I couldn't be more satisfied with that realization. These last few months have been full of discovery, love, and...plain old summer fun. There were many tears, but way more laughs and smiles to make up for it. I saw the ocean from a ferris wheel for the very first time, with a person I want face many other thrills with while squeezing their hand. I learned what it is to be responsible, and had let go of things that bring me down even if it did hurt a little. But now, the temperature is dropping a bit and the night is coming sooner. Soon when I take walks I'll hear the crunch of leaves instead of crickets, and see people rake instead of mow their lawns. There is just something about autumn..it's almost like a new start to things, hope in a way. I will be going to college, and I feel like this is one step closer to the future I have dreamed up for myself. I can finally act upon my impatience for change. My bond with my parents is strengthening, though at the same time we both know (but rarely mention) that we are slowly letting go of each other, which is bittersweet.

I am so stinkin' excited to put on my woolly hat. And for pumpkin pie and chai tea to be the main component in my diet. And for the word 'crisp' to be significant again , because it is my favorite word in the human language.

crisp.